Drifting

I find myself feeling quite lost and down the last 2 days. My brain keeps asking me questions like "What are you doing here?" and "Will running away like this ever actually change anything?" "What would be the point in going home?" and interestingly i find myself sitting quietly and having a cry. Tears for Clinton mostly but sometimes for my family, Simon and for leaving my job which restrospectivly was the only structured thing I had. Its not regret, just sadness that I think I can look in on now from a different angle and let myself be sad about. I guess this is all part and parcel of travelling and I'm sure it will pass. Its also hard to focus on the present when your future is so uncertain. But I guess that the point...

Lisa is an excellent travel buddy, shes controlling in a lots of ways and needs to know more about stuff than me all the time, but I quite like it about her. It allows me to be super casual and not think about anything or be too concerned. We have a healthy balance of time together, going off to do our own thing regularly so we dont get too much in each others space. I'm really happy we are together, I don't think I would be having such a good time if she wasnt here.

I am having a bloody good time too! Every day is more and more exciting, the culture shock seems to have worn off now so its just about which palace to explore, which temple to energise in or which amazing food to sample.

One thing that does bother me about this experience is the box westerners seem to put themselves in when they get here. Its like "i'm in india now i can become a hippy" and everyione goes around wearing baggy dishevelled clothes, singlet tops and unwashed hair. I dont know where this mentality comes from, because you will never see an Indian behaving like this. Even your homeless street sleepers have the decency to cover their shoulders up and no self respecting Indian woman would care so little about her appearance. Its strikes me as totally odd that in a country so focused on status, image and propriety we westerners come in and behave like a bunch of beggars. I percieve it as somehwat insuting like "Look at me i'm super richer than you and I dont even have to try" that just my opinion anyway, I feel like I'm missing the 'hippy gene' or something.

We are in Pushkar today, its a very sacred place in India, the only place devoted completely to the worship of Brahma, the creator. I can feel this is a good place, it almost buzzes with an unearthly energy and I feel more vibrant and calm after a rest here than i have felt in days.